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Thursday, September 6, 2018

Feeling Demotivated

I post again in September. A year after my last post.

My condition now..is..bad. Worsen. I mean life is all about what. Work and family. Mostly work. And my career doesn’t goes well enough as want it to be. Well this month I am leaving my previous outlet and moving Northern side again. But now as an outlet manager instead of a coordinator.

As i mention in my previous post..I hate the job. I am not a good manager at all. I am suck at it. It reveal my weaknesses more and more day by day. I discover many evidence of how I am not good at my work and briefly useless or functionless and cannot handle the tasks. Or probably any task. For the last 8 years, i think i have never been doing good in my career. Everything is on the surface and worst people look at me as someone who are doing well in my career. To be honest, I am not. I suck at it. I did not do anything. I just wait for the time to pass by and the salary to comes in.

Today, I think I am at the worst mental state ever. I pretend to be okay. But I know I am not. I feel ambarassed with myself and I have done. I fail as a worker. I fail as a father. I fail as a husband. I fail as son. I fail as a family member. I fail as believer. I fail as a human.

I am a total failure since the beginning. I can whine about this and people will say that its good that i notice it and try to overcome it. The fact is, im useless. I can even manage to overcome it. Because I am a total loss.

But i need to pretend like everything is okay and i am strong. Because i have people depending on me. So i will keep on pretending... to all the people out there who hates me for my failure. Im sorry. I dont want to do this to any of you. But somehow we relates, and u all have to witness it. Im sorry guys. I wish i am alone. And no one care about me. So that i dont have to care about others too.