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Thursday, September 6, 2018

Feeling Demotivated

I post again in September. A year after my last post.

My condition now..is..bad. Worsen. I mean life is all about what. Work and family. Mostly work. And my career doesn’t goes well enough as want it to be. Well this month I am leaving my previous outlet and moving Northern side again. But now as an outlet manager instead of a coordinator.

As i mention in my previous post..I hate the job. I am not a good manager at all. I am suck at it. It reveal my weaknesses more and more day by day. I discover many evidence of how I am not good at my work and briefly useless or functionless and cannot handle the tasks. Or probably any task. For the last 8 years, i think i have never been doing good in my career. Everything is on the surface and worst people look at me as someone who are doing well in my career. To be honest, I am not. I suck at it. I did not do anything. I just wait for the time to pass by and the salary to comes in.

Today, I think I am at the worst mental state ever. I pretend to be okay. But I know I am not. I feel ambarassed with myself and I have done. I fail as a worker. I fail as a father. I fail as a husband. I fail as son. I fail as a family member. I fail as believer. I fail as a human.

I am a total failure since the beginning. I can whine about this and people will say that its good that i notice it and try to overcome it. The fact is, im useless. I can even manage to overcome it. Because I am a total loss.

But i need to pretend like everything is okay and i am strong. Because i have people depending on me. So i will keep on pretending... to all the people out there who hates me for my failure. Im sorry. I dont want to do this to any of you. But somehow we relates, and u all have to witness it. Im sorry guys. I wish i am alone. And no one care about me. So that i dont have to care about others too.

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

September 2017 - Seeking For A Turning Point (Again)

Well it has been 7 months  after my transfer from Northern to Central, from a coordinator to a manager. The situation now is...tough. I would say.. its kind of a wrong choice (hehe). Not totally, i mean i can bear with it and learn as much as i can. But the fact is..this is not my cup of coffee. I wouldn't blame the situation i am in. I mean the place, the people, the circumstances..yes it is not perfect. Not perfect at all. Tough. Super tough.

When I decided to move to Central, and take the position I was thinking of a different lifestyle. A better one of course. I get to spend more time with the family, learn new things..earn more on my way up, getting the best out of myself..most important to generally change myself to be a better me in so much ways..Unfortunately..or better I say 

Now work life balance seems impossible for me.. I work 6 days per week. And to add to it the office is not so close to my home. It is 1 hour approximately by car and around 30 minutes by bike. Anyway I bought a new beast (=P).. I will share about that in another post. And with my hard to move habit.. I always end up leaving office at 8.30 PM or even 10.30 PM.. So basically i can change that. I mean i can make my move earlier maybe at 6 PM or 6:30PM.. but its just me..

OK la nak balik dulu..later i will mumble some more...  

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Im Not Okay

No one know the suffer of me being me.
No one know the conflict I have inside me.
No one know how i feel about myself.
No one know that there's a war inside.
No one know.

Im unfit and no one know.